My life was going along fairly normally – or at least my new normal – and then I went to my first real professional level rehearsal at Ailey. It is only a workshop, i.e. no pressure, but it will culminate in a performance at City Center. The first rehearsal tonight put everything – as in everything in my current life – in sharp perspective for me.
First of all I am angry with myself and sad bc I am deciding now that I want to dance when so much time has been lost in really seriously perfecting my craft. I have put myself in a position to have to play catch up and it’s hard and lonely and pretty humiliating at times, like tonight.
That said I am in awe of my own audacity and nerve. I’m absolutely certain I’ve lost my mind. I am also equally certain that I am growing more in this period as a human being and as an energy bound spirit than at many other phases in my life. And as such I have no patience for conventional thinking and people who feel the need to live by it.
The truth is I’ve really set out an incredible challenge for myself, of who’s exact shape and size I’m not even fully aware. I only know that it is rather all consuming. I am dedicated to something without knowing what the outcome is supposed to be, but who’s force is attracting me like a powerful magnet. It is both absolutely terrifying and terrifically liberating.
So what is this all about? Am I trying to prove to myself that I’ve still got it? Or am I trying to use the one gift that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have. Many questions, not so many answers…
In a recent discussion with an acquaintance, the question came up of whether I am a good dancer. I could not say yay or nay as it’s really in the eye of the beholder. But what I did and can say is that of all the things I do, dancing is the one thing that brings me closest to seeing the face of God.
Good and bad are irrelevant. The only thing that matters is authenticity. Authenticity is the place where our inner guide speaks to us and the divine becomes material.